Fertility Wishes from Meditation Reflections
I did a meditation today online. Amazing how high tech everything now is.
A free online meditation course by Osho, who describes himself as a contemporary sage or guru and has written many, many books. The course started on July 21 and I started it today with today’s meditation.
Free though it is, I did not find the time for it in the last three days. Although I believe that it will offer something substantial in my life, I did not take the few minutes to use the program.
How many of us do just that? Know that something will help and don’t avail ourselves of that help? How many times do I have an idea that something could help and yet I don’t reach for it?
Do we get frozen? Does an infertility diagnosis or cancer or heart disease or mental illness make our very beings slow down to a stop? Does inertia then take over?
Infertility Feelings and Honesty
Infertility made me feel numb. I don’t think I would describe it as frozen. I still got up and went to work. Most days. I still participated in family functions. Some of the time. I still saw and spoke with my friends. But not with as much honesty about how I was feeling.
It’s odd to talk about being frozen on a warm, muggy summer day. For me, it was more about being numb. Because if I was numb, I couldn’t feel as deeply. And I was willing to give up the happy part of my life to avoid feeling how bad it really felt when my fertility treatment cycle failed. Again. And again.
Numb meant that nothing penetrated as fully as it might have. It felt like there was a grey filter between me and the rest of the world. I actually avoided doing fun things because if I cracked the door open to my feelings, I was afraid of what might pour out.
I was deeply afraid of the depth of my sadness and grief around infertility and loss of fertility.
Maybe you feel that way too?
Maybe it’s scary to think about feeling happy or even ok. Maybe it’s reassuring to stay numb and not let anything penetrate too deeply. I know I felt it was necessary. That it was a survival skill that I needed to employ.
Fertile Birthday Wishes for Fertility Treatment
Today’s my birthday. What an awful day while I was in fertility treatment. Another year with no baby. It was awful. I hid from my birthday while I was in the throes of medication, ultrasounds, procedures and treatment cycles.
Thank goodness for the sunlight that crept in anyway. That sunlight was hand delivered by my sisters, my parents, my husband and my best friends. The light that they brought in reminded me that I was a person. A person in pain, yes. Still, a person, worthy of a birthday candle. A birthday present. And a birthday wish. We all know what I was wishing for, no secret there. You know too, don’t you?
Today, I offer my birthday wish to you. For you. To have the baby that you are wishing and dreaming and hoping for. To find and allow that bit of sunlight in, at least occasionally, in safe places and safe ways.
May I offer a suggestion?
It's Fertile Yoga. Three times a week, free. A safe place to feel just a little bit. To feel just a little less numb.
I will hold you there, I promise.
May my birthday wishes for you come true.
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