I didn't. Or, I did, and shut the door so firmly that not one bit of light slipped through the cracks. That door was so tightly shut and bolted that one would think it didn't exist. One could hardly see it for all the dust accumulating along with the spider webs. I wrote an article once on how things might have been had I allowed myself to entertain the possibility of adoption while in fertility treatment and here is a little more on the subject.
I had many, many reasons not to adopt; many of them compelling and understandable. Most of my reasons were fear based; again, quite understandable.
Here's a partial list of my fears:
the birthmother would want the baby back;
the birthmother would take the baby back;
the birthmother would take the baby back after one week, one month, one year, ten years;
the birthfather would show up and take the baby back;
the baby would hate and resent me and my husband;
the baby would hate and resent the absent birthparents;
there would be some messy, complicated relationships that would be necessary when the baby stopped being a baby and turned eighteen years old.
I bet you get the idea that I could go on and on with this. I have been known to be able to spin a story out farther than you could ever believe possible. The fears that I just listed are actually just the tip of the iceberg.
IVF Cycle Planning | Making Choices
My husband and I decided that we would attempt one more IVF cycle and then we would remain childfree if we weren't successful. That was our plan, after many years of disappointment in treatment. We were so thrilled to have a plan and an ending point.
Then an interesting thing happened. My cousin, Peter, and his wonderful wife Becky, who I love dearly, came to visit. Peter and I grew up down the block from one another. Peter and his brother Danny were the only brothers that I ever had. I was one of three girls. Loved having those boys down the street. So Peter and Becky came to visit. With their baby. Now, imagine this, after 5 years of being the most miserable, unbearably difficult infertility patient in the history of time, (don't believe me, ask my doctors, friends, family, it's true) I held their baby and it was lovely. More than lovely, it was soothing, comforting and healing.
Wow. What was that about after 5 years of avoiding babies, baby showers, and pregnant friends? I held that baby, (Isaac!!!) and thought this . . . "I could love and keep this baby". Now, obviously, my very loving cousins were not offering that up as an option. Not the point here. Point was, that door cracked open and lit up the room. Childfree was still an option, but in fact, it was not my only option.
Dealing with Infertility and Opening Doors
I was truly blown away. Really and truly. The door stood open and all of a sudden, there were choices available while dealing with infertility that I had not considered in any meaningful way.
So I'm going to ask you gently, very gently. Are there choices that you've slammed the door on? Something, perhaps to tentatively look at and consider? Ideas that have previously been considered impossible because of fear or even prejudice? Things that you know, deep down in your heart, that could be re-examined?
Is there a way to light up the room that you can consider?
Lisa has over twenty-five years of experience in the fertility field. After her personal infertility journey, she felt dissatisfied with the lack of comprehensive services available to support her. She was determined to help others undergoing fertility treatment. Lisa has been with RMACT for seven years and is currently Patient Advocate and Blog Editor-in-Chief.
Lisa is the teacher and founder of Fertile Yoga, a program designed to support men and women on their quest for their families through gentle movement and meditation.
Lisa’s true passion is supporting patients getting into treatment, being able to stay in treatment and staying whole and complete throughout the process. Lisa is also a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist, which is helpful in her work with fertility patients.
Her experience also includes working with RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association and The American Fertility Association (now Path2Parenthood), where she was Educational Coordinator, Conference Director and Assistant Executive Director.