Posted by Lisa Rosenthal on Thu, Apr 08, 2010 @ 06:18 AM
If you have gotten pregnant, (either on your own, or through infertility treatment), have experienced the despair of losing a much wanted pregnancy, and then conceived again, then you know the emotional difficulties of the next cycle in which you try to conceive.
When you've experienced a miscarriage loss, being pregnant again can make you feel vulnerable and downright scared. When do you know that everything is all right? When can you relax and feel secure that the pregnancy is progressing normally and in a healthy way? When can you enjoy knowing that you are pregnant?
If you have experienced recurrent pregnancy loss, than you have lost at least two consecutive pregnancies after having heard a heartbeat. That is the clinical definition of recurrent pregnancy loss. There are many of us out there that have miscarried more than one pregnancy, not consecutively, not hearing a heartbeat each time. Either way, these losses are wearing on us emotionally and physically.
Either way, knowing that everything's ok is a very different animal. Spotting or staining becomes a source of anxiety, fear and worry. Every twinge is that possibility that this is where the pregnancy stops being ok. Every twinge that you don't feel is the possibility that now is when you will lose this pregnancy as you lost the others. It may feel very trying to be around other happily pregnant women, who seem almost blissfully unaware of what could happen, what has happened to you. You may feel isolated as you don't fit in with women who are still struggling to conceive nor do you feel that you fit in with women who are pregnant.
The feeling of joy is elusive at best in these situations. The feeling of relief may come late, very late, much later and sometimes not at all, depending on how late your pregnancy losses were. This is normal! I rarely use exclamation points, but if you are like me and felt that there was something wrong with you because you couldn't enjoy a pregnancy, I want you to know that this is normal. Normal, normal, normal.
A few suggestions, perhaps?
Most important, create community. Our program (RMACT) has a specific support group run by Dr. Lisa Tuttle (clinical psychologist), on recurrent miscarriage and pregnancy loss. An entire group of women, led by a compassionate mental health professional to help you process your losses, help you enjoy the pregnancy you are experiencing or help prepare you for your next pregnancy. There are other places as well that you can find support, I will post those sites for you as a resource later in the day. Check back.
Sometimes creating a ritual can be helpful as well. A good bye to the babies that you have lost. Perhaps a letter written. Perhaps a tree planted. Some way of acknowledging the hopes that you had for the babies that were not born, but still loved by you.
Tomorrow's blog will continue on this theme of loss, with a look towards hope and birth. In every loss that we experience, there is a season to grieve and there is a time to move on. Those losses don't disappear, not by any means, but they do become the fabric of our lives, an experience that we process, absorb and still continue to live our lives.
I know exactly how old my children would have been that I miscarried. It's not a conscious thought, figuring out the years, just part of who I am. It was a long time ago; they are still part of who I am. I am a healthy, strong woman. And yes, I know how old my babies would be, as you probably will.
Twenty one in July, nineteen in September.