I admit it. I tend to be resistant. Some might even say ornery. At least on this topic. I cannot stand reading books when they are blockbuster best sellers and everyone is raving about them. I get truly annoyed when my friends tell me “you have to read this”. Pretty much, I won’t if I am told I have to.
Consequently, I have read the Harry Potter series (which I love), but I did so when the fourth book came out. Caught up with all of them at once. I have read The Book Thief, months after one of my closest friends started talking to me about it. Blink, a fabulous peek into how quickly the mind and heart sizes things up, two years after it came out. Three Cups of Tea, (one of the most stirring reads ever) I was actually ahead of the curve as a fellow passenger on a plane finished it and gave it to me.
A book I have been especially resistant (read snobby) to is eat pray love. It hit so fast and so hard and everyone was reading it, loving it, raving about it. Therefore, or ergo, I would not. (Yes, sometimes I even annoy myself with my attitude.)
So why am I reading it? Because I have another weird quirk. I like to read a book before I see a movie based on the book. The movie is coming out next week, a fun group of friends have set up a movie date and I want to go. Therefore, I must read the book. (Yes, I sometimes drive myself a little crazy. Or a lot.)
And to all of my friends out there, you were right enough. It’s not the shallow, sensationalistic take on things I feel intimately about that I was afraid it would be. I’m not done with it, but I am impressed with it. So, yes, you were right. You know who you are, I’m sure I’ll hear some “I told you so” type statements later.
Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of eat pray love, doesn’t want a baby. Now, I am not finished with this book, but what I do know, so far, is that she doesn’t want a baby and leaves a six year marriage at least partly because of that.
Doesn’t want a baby. Any of you out there relate to that? Probably not. But maybe just a little. Ever wonder when it turned from wanting to have a baby to absolutely needing to have a baby, to feeling positively frantic about having a baby?
I don’t wonder. It turned into desperation when you couldn’t have one. When you didn’t get pregnant the first month. Or the second. And so on. When you discovered that there could be a problem; that you might not be able to have a baby.
And yet, there’s a little piece of me that remembers some ambivalence about having a baby. Back before infertility, when I still felt the full spectrum of feelings, not just the over riding despair of infertility. When I was still able to want a baby and enjoy the rest of my life.
Eat pray love is a good read. Perhaps even inspirational as it reminds me of my orneriness. It reminds me to be in touch with how I really feel, past resistance, past desperation. Allowing myself to feel past reaction. Reaction is why I won’t read a book when it’s popular. Reaction is also my diving headfirst into infertility and disallowing any other aspect of my life.
Reaction is dear in the headlights, frozen, staring. It’s ok to blink, move, feel. Read.