Infertility Trouble With a Capital I
What do you do when you get into trouble? Whether it's trouble with your primary relationship, work, feeling stuck, infertility trouble or your own personal version of trouble; what do you do?
That was the question that I was asked in a yoga class yesterday by a beloved teacher, Mary Gerdes. She always asks the question that I need to hear, that resonates deep within and bubbles up with something new.
What do I do when I get into trouble?
LOL. Just being honest. I completely realize that it is not helpful, nor conducive to solving problems. I get that.
Experiencing Infertility - A Look Back
When I think back to experiencing infertility though, that’s exactly what I did. First month, I was sure I would be pregnant. Same with the second and third month. I was pretty confident until the ninth month. The ninth month hit hard, most probably because that’s the gestation time of a baby. By the ninth month of trying with no baby, the realization that something was needed beyond having loving sexual relations with my husband was undeniable.
Trouble was Infertility with a capitol I.
And so off to panic I went.
I didn’t know what to do first, who to listen to, what to pay attention to; that wasn’t for lack of reliable sources and available help. That was due to the panic that had ensued and clouded my thinking and ability to discern what was helpful from what was unhelpful.
Breath and Awareness
Mary asked and answered the question yesterday. What do you do when you get into trouble?
What do you do when you’re happy?
What do you do when you’re disappointed?
I could go on, but you get the idea. We breathe whatever emotion we are in, whatever situation is raging or loving around us. We breathe.
I’m not saying we always pay attention to the breath; that was Mary’s point.
My point is, actually, no matter what? We breathe. That’s what we were born to do. To keep breathing no matter what, otherwise, we are no longer alive.
Mary’s point, as interpreted by me, was “can we bring our focus to our breath when we are in trouble?” We will be breathing or hyperventilating as the case may be, but we will be breathing. We can’t get into trouble and just not breathe, then there’s a whole lot more trouble.
We breathe because we were designed to breathe every moment of our lives. We have to, there is no choice. Bringing attention to our breath, that’s different.
When I pay attention to my breath, even as my panic rises, I pause. I consider. It gives me just that amount of time for the panic to recede and a sort of reason to return. Not everything is worthy of panic. Ramping things down is healthy, physically and emotionally. Cognitively, we make better decisions when panic is not the ruling force.
I wish I had known in the middle of infertility that even though I felt panicked, there was a pause that was available. A place and a way to settle myself that didn’t count on anything except my breath and awareness.
Thanks Mary, for a glorious class as always. I appreciate always the physical movement of yoga. If I had to pick though, I’d pick the question brought up and reinvestigated in the practice.
What do you do when you’re in trouble?
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Fertile Friday Affirmations
Pick one. Or two. Create a thought or a phrase or a paragraph. Use the affirmations that express how you are or how you would like to be. Select words that describe you before infertility.
Find words that inspire you to live more fully and sweetly.
Taste each word on your tongue and in your mind’s eye. Does it fit? Is it attractive? Does it hold potential?
Listen to your heart and be generous with your choices. See yourself as those who love you do. Choose at least one word that your best friend would use to describe you. Choose at least one word that makes you slightly uncomfortable.
Create an image of yourself that is bold and clear.
Fill in the blanks:
Please feel free to add your own.
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Fertile Affirmations for Friday
Might it be a good time to replace some thoughts that rattle around your head with fertile affirmations? Whether you are in the midst of infertility or fertility treatment or just want to live a happier life, I think yes and here’s why. Speaking for myself, I often get into a place of internal scolding when I don’t make the choices that are absolutely perfect for me. In other words, I beat myself up almost whenever I can. Interesting that I make that choice over and over again. It’s become a routine, even a habit. Do something less than perfectly, and here’s the tape in my head, “oh, cr#p, I did it again. That’s the third time today, eighteenth time this week, nine thousandth time this year. Why did I do it again? It’s never worked before and it didn’t work again.” I won’t bore you with the on and on and on that goes; it’s not pretty. I won’t discuss how distracting it can be when I’m trying to focus on something in front of me, that’s a different blog.
What I will focus on is how exhausting it is to be in a constant state of internal disapproval. My brain is the arresting officer, judge and jury in the split second of an eye. And it’s not enough to judge the moment; I have to bring up every time I’ve ever done that in my life. And I throw in the kitchen sink as well.
I do this less frequently now. I have a new practice, a new habit, that I’ve gradually incorporated to replace this automatic instinct to scold myself.
Positive Affirmations - A One Minute Break
Positive affirmations. Every hour on the hour, I take a one minute break and reel off a list of positive affirmations of things that I believe about myself. Every hour they are different. Every hour it becomes more familiar and comfortable to reflect on these aspects of my personality and feel them, in my heart and even deeper.
This felt deeply uncomfortable at first. It was a change in routine, of course it felt strange. Like it does when I add anything new into my life; it took getting used to.
Now? I love it. Doing this makes me breathe more effortlessly. And it does not feel like bragging or like exalting myself, quite the opposite, what it feels like is that I am bringing balance to my internal conversations. I still scold myself but it is balanced with an acknowledgement of my self worth.
17 Fertile Affirmations to Try
I am strong
I am healthy
I am loving and I am loved
I am valuable
I am vibrant
I am worthwhile
I am capable
I am able
I am persistent
I am funny
I am a force to be reckoned with
I am light
I am kind
I am powerful
I am humble
I am capable of growth and change
I am fertile
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Infertility Chaos - Turning to Calm
“You don’t have to suffer continual chaos in order to grow.” John C. Lilly
Some people react to crises with calm composure. Those same people will react to other types of crises or challenges with a less calm demeanor.
How about you? Does a roadblock in your way cause frenzy, either in your behavior or in your emotions? Does the challenge cause turmoil or do you accept that it’s part of your journey like all the good and easy, sweet things?
Infertility is a crisis. It’s a road block that can feel like a massive and unassailable impediment. More like a mountain than something that will give way and be temporary.
And that’s where today’s quote comes in handy. In the middle of a crisis, any crisis, there is the temptation to be in a state of chaos. I find it very tempting to blame the chaos on the situation. I can find excuses, always, about why this or that hasn’t happened or has happened and the crisis is always a good thing to blame it on.
Really though, maybe it’s just about time to learn how to grow without chaos. When facing infertility, there are schedule changes; unexpected test results, insensitive comments from family/friends and more that can cause chaotic feelings and reactions.
I personally like meditation. Which I am terrible at; my mind chatters about what I need to get done, my thoughts wander around the universe and back home, my nose itches and I want desperately to wiggle my toes. My method these days is to candle gaze. Carrie Van Steen is my hero! She meditates and she didn’t even know that’s what she was doing. Light a candle, gaze at it. Focus on the flame. Soften your thoughts. Then soften your thoughts and your judgment of yourself when you realize that you are having thoughts. Allow yourself to let go of other distractions and just keep looking. Consider it a mini-vacation. Consider it a major vacation.
Maybe chaos is more productive for you than it is for me. I notice the whirlwind and realize that I’m the eye of the storm. The eye is calm, yet I create frenetic activity all around me. What if I choose instead to extend that calm, that sense of peace and quiet from the eye of the storm?
What if? What if I chose quiet over chaos? Let the business slip away. The din to die down.
I feel capable of making a different choice and I am ready to practice it during less chaotic moments.
Who’s willing to try with me?
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Fertility Medications and Placebo Effect
Sometime last week I wrote about my chance meeting with Dr. Katherine Scott, RMACT’s IVF Lab Manager. Our conversation sparked some ideas that have been percolating ever since.
How much does it matter how a message is delivered? This is a question that is fairly rhetorical as we know it makes a difference. We know it makes a big difference, that’s why such mind-boggling amounts of money are spent on advertising and marketing research. We know that what we call something and how we describe that same thing affects how we think about it; how we take it in.
Last night I spent some time with our PA, Diana D’Amelio. We were discussing the efficacy of medications and supplements and the effect of the placebo. I love being surrounded by such smart people who think about matters in such deep ways. Speaking with her sparked some new thoughts.
Infertility is a science. And it’s an art. And there is so much that every one of us can do about our own health, treatment and general well being. The placebo effect gives us a lot of power. Thinking something will work, will be powerful, helps make it that way. In essence, that’s what the placebo effect means.
Taking a pill or tablet that has no medication in it can often give the same physiological reaction as taking a pill or tablet that has specific medication in it. This has always been true. This is how double blind studies create research that we rely on. And it is frequent that the placebo is very effective in treating whatever ails you.
I am not suggesting that you all stop taking your medication because you can just believe your way into becoming pregnant. Fertility medications are powerful and using them will often bring a response of more eggs/follicles that we are looking for, especially when undergoing IVF (in vitro fertilization). This blog is not about knocking fertility medications.
What I am suggesting is that believing they will work is a great idea. What I am suggesting is that believing that eating in a healthy way increases the healthiness. What I am suggesting is that believing that sleeping properly makes our sleep more restorative and healthy.
When you’ve had disappointments, it’s challenging to put your heart into it. It’s a natural reaction to guard against more disappointments by keeping an awareness of failure. We all get that. And sometimes the best that you can do is take the medications and keep your heart protected. If that’s where you are, please know that suspending judgment around yourself is more important than anything else.
Mantras for Health
If you feel you can add a little something to your already rigorous fertility treatment regime, I have a suggestion. Once or twice a day, (or every hour if you are ambitious), create a mantra for yourself and repeat it three or four times. It can be simple and easy or very specific and personal. Your own mantras for health. Here are a few suggestions.
- My fertility treatment will be successful
- I am creating health for myself
- I am healthy
- Everything is exactly as it should be
- I am bringing my baby closer
- Peace (shanty)
- I am doing whatever I need to do to create my family
- I am one with the universe
None of these may float your boat at all. Again, no judgment. You may have a prayer or a poem that will work for you.
Try it for a week if you can. It’s painless, calorie free, alcohol free, caffeine free. In fact, it’s free, costs nothing. When you say your mantra, close your eyes bring your thoughts deep into your cells and organs. Create health and well being.
My mantra for this week: everything is as it should be, in this moment.
I would love to hear your mantra.
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Infertility and the Day After Thanksgiving
Whether you are choosing to indulge in shopping or relaxing into peaceful serenity or some combination of the two, the day after Thanksgiving is just that: the day after. It may have been a lovely day or a rough day or some variation. Fertility announcements abound at this time of the year and putting on a happy face when you are feeling sad for yourself is not always easy. Nor is it gentle on our own hearts.
Overindulging can take on a lot of forms. Eating is only one. Whether we eat because it’s delicious or because we’re sad or happy or any other feeling, we do sometimes overdo it.
Wearing a mask for too long is burdensome and emotionally exhausting. We wear a mask when we feel one way and say and act another way. That can be over indulging too; not honoring yourself and your feelings as valid and important.
We tend to overindulge on holidays, in so many ways. We create an idea, based on the past about how the holiday “should” be. Or we decide how we want it to be. Rarely are we available to experience the moments as they are. That’s over indulging too, one of my favorite kinds, where our fantasies become more tangible than our realities.
An Invitation to Yoga Nidra and Finding Your Center
The Friday after Thanksgiving, I teach a way to achieve Yoga Nidra instead of any of my regular classes. It’s become a tradition up at PhysEd in New Milford, CT, for my students who are used to a vigorous class to come, practice lightly and then repose into Savasana for almost an hour.
That’s almost 60 minutes of lying down, having arranged the physical body as comfortably as possible, and sinking into yoga sleep. My favorite definition of Yoga Nidra from Swami Jnaneshvara Bharati is below:
Yoga Nidra means Yogic Sleep. It is a state of conscious Deep Sleep. In Meditation, you remain in the Waking state of consciousness, and gently focus the mind, while allowing thought patterns, emotions, sensations, and images to arise and go on. However, in Yoga Nidra, you leave the Waking state, go past the Dreaming state, and go to Deep Sleep, yet remain awake. While Yoga Nidra is a state that is very relaxing, it is also used by Yogis to purify the Samskaras, the deep impressions that are the driving force behind Karma.
According to the definition of Yoga Nidra and what it is and what it is not, I do not teach or facilitate Yoga Nidra. I create pathways of getting there by using guided meditation to achieve this. I am excited to be teaching Yoga Nidra in a more traditional way this Friday. I hope to have you join me.
On Friday night, Fertile Yoga will meet twice, once from 6-7:15 and then from 7:30-8:30. You are welcome to one or the other or both.
It will be my first foray into a more traditional Yoga Nidra. I would love to have your company.
Whether you have indulged too vigorously in food, or drink, or happiness or sadness, Yoga Nidra will be a way to recenter yourself. To find your way back home.
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Affirmations for Health: A Positive Practice
You have the ability to replace thoughts or beliefs that you hold that may not be affirming or healthy.
Know that using positive affirmations may feel strange at first. These are suggestions. Perhaps there are other affirmations that you prefer.
As you become more used to repeating positive affirmations, you will feel calmed and soothed.
Ten Positive Affirmations to Try
- I hold myself up tall, with pride, for who I am in this moment: a beautiful, strong man or woman;
- I think well of myself and of my partner if I have one;
- I remember that I am a whole person, not an infertility diagnosis or a sperm count;
- I remind myself that I have value and worth, whether I am pregnant or not, whether I am a parent or not;
- I remind myself that I learn something about myself every day and that what I have learned about myself because of infertility is that I am strong and courageous. I know how much easier it would be to accept my infertility and remain childfree. I remind myself that I am brave enough to move forward and farther than I thought I could in my goal of becoming a parent;
- I remember the health and wellness that I enjoy in so many areas of my life;
- My gratitude towards the beautiful things that I enjoy in my life fill many moments;
- I know that when I become a parent I will hold it even closer to my heart because of my present experiences;
- I embrace my life as I am, knowing that my truest self is revealed through the hardship of this experience;
- I love myself--my body, my heart and my soul.
How to Use Affirmations
If you are creating or using your own affirmation, use it in the present tense, not the future tense. If you use it as a mantra, to repeat over and over again, let it warm you from the inside out. If it doesn't do that, try another one. And please share any affirmations that you like to use with us. I could always use a new one.
Here's a bonus, a long-time favorite of mine that my Fertile Yoga students are familiar with:
- I am beautiful, I am graceful, I am whole and complete.
Positive affirmations. Try one.
How far would you go to get pregnant? What would you be willing to do?
Desperation, fear, sadness and frustration. One of those feelings or some combination of them tends to fuel the drive to get pregnant after attempts to conceive haven't worked. In fertility treatment, especially, some of us get the feeling that each negative pregnancy test is a sign that they will all be negative.
So getting back to the question, what would you be willing to do to see that positive pregnancy test?
There was a "Ladies Night Out" in Danbury, over a year ago, where one patient discussed her willingness to "swim in a pool of sharks" if it would help her conceive. That phrase was at odds, later in the evening, when she stated that she wouldn't try yoga. It made me laugh, actually. (I assure you, Fertile yoga classes are far more pleasant than swimming in a shark infested pool, unless there's something about high risk activities which excite you.)
I know, from personal experience, from being in treatment, how difficult it can be to push ourselves into healthy behavior. Especially if you are in treatment and having to deal with fertility medications, ultrasounds, blood draws, doctors' appointments, egg retrieval, and transfers. And that's if things are relatively simple. Treatment, of course, can also include other, more complicated, more expensive, more intrusive procedures. All of these challenges can be quite enough without having to add more to do to help that treatment along. Not to mention the debilitating effects that we feel with depression or anxiety, perhaps new to us since being challenged with infertility.
If you are new to the challenges of infertility or to Reproductive Medicine Associates of CT (RMACT), I am not trying to scare you. Really, I am not. In fact, quite the opposite.
What I am saying is that while it has not been established that swimming in a tank of sharks is effective in improving your chances of getting pregnant, there are other ways that you can participate in your fertility treatment beyond the purely medical aspects. Alice Domar, PhD (Executive Director of the Domar Center for Mind/Body Health and the Director of Mind/Body Services at Boston IVF. Go to domarcenter.com to read more about Dr. Domar. She has also written some of my favorite books on infertility and stress, including "Conquering Infertility: Dr. Alice Domar's Mind/Body Guide to Enhancing Fertility and Coping With Infertility) has the following to say:
Mind/body techniques can decrease physical symptoms of stress such as insomnia, headaches, abdominal pain and fatigue as well as psychological symptoms such as depression, anxiety, hostility, and tearfulness. And recent research has shown that women who participate in mind/body programs in conjunction with treatment from their physician have significantly higher pregnancy rates than women who receive medical treatment only. infertilitymindbody.com/foreword.htm
So don't swim in a tank of sharks. Or do. But definitely try a slow walk with the dog, partner or a friend. Do try a morning on the weekend, reading a favorite book, with a cup of tea in front of the fireplace. Do try a meditation cd or a yoga class.
And if you're in my neck of the woods, do come see me on Saturdays for Fertile Yoga. I don't guarantee much, but I do guarantee that class will be more relaxing than having sharks circle around you in a tank of water.
Norwalk office 10-11 (peer support group meets from 9:30-10:00, you are most welcome to come) 20 Glover Avenue.
YogaSpace from 4:15-5:30- 777 Federal Road, Brookfield CT
No experience necessary. I would love to have you.