Posted by Lisa Rosenthal on Mon, Feb 21, 2011 @ 06:56 AM
What to blog about first. Some weeks, some days, I can’t think of a single thing to write about. That’s a little scary. Other days, I have 49 million ideas floating around in my head and it’s all I can do to stay focused on one idea about infertility and life.
Here’s a head’s up for this week, as long as we’re on the subject of topics. Sex. Sexuality. Dualism. Birth control. Spring (you know how much I love the weather), events coming up at Reproductive Medicine Associates of CT, pre-natal vitamins. Those days with 49 million ideas can be a little scary too.
Today, I’m going with sex. And it wasn’t really my idea. Not exactly, anyway. I did bring it up in the blog last week and then the conversation continued this week end in the peer support group. Interesting twist, perhaps predictable for infertility challenges, sex on demand.
There are times, while in fertility treatment, that you are asked to abstain from sex. Seems a little ironic. Want a baby? Don’t have sex. Ok, but it you’re in treatment, you know that things are timed very carefully, very methodically. Now, if you are laughing, don’t worry, I am too.
Yes, everything’s timed very carefully. And then your blood levels go up, go down, follicles appear, get larger, more of them, some blood levels go down, test results come back differently then expected and so on and so forth. The best laid plans of mice and men. Everything’s timed perfectly, except that each of us unique beings react differently to medication and stimulation, as well as having our own private rhythm. It is amazing how the body, mind and heart can override even the most powerful medications. So just when you think you have it all figured out, what to tell your co-workers about absences, planning your time off, it all changes.
How does this relate to sex? Don’t have sex. Do have sex. Don’t have sex now. Do have sex now. Plan having sex around work, travel, meals, etc. Turns out that this is not the most sexy, romantic, heart throbbing way to have sex.
I don’t say enough about men in this blog. One, I’m not a man. Two, I’m married to a man who doesn’t say a lot, doesn’t complain a lot and is very cooperative. (Most of the time.) But how about if your partner or husband isn’t like that? What if he would prefer that his sexual relationship with his partner not be dictated by someone else?
What about the pressure to have sex when the last thing that you’re in the mood for is sex? Again, not a man, but this pressure makes me, a woman, wince. How about a note of sympathy for the guys who manage the erection under pressure? How about a round of applause for all of us who manage to have sex and even enjoy it, even when spontaneity and desire are not even remotely involved?
It didn’t occur to me just how much men might not only resent being told when, but also might not be able to. Is there anyone out there, man or woman, who can’t get what a blow to the ego that might be? Even more than a blog to the ego, the sense of self and manhood that already probably feels under attack, has got to take a huge hit if, when under pressure, getting and maintaining an erection is impossible.
Sex on demand. Infertility and fertility treatment being it’s most invasive.
As usual, I have no answers. There are many simple answers that I can give you. This is not a simple problem and probably requires the two individuals in the situation working it out together.
I will tell you that my solution was to go to a therapist. My husband and I went for two years while we were in fertility treatment and I am quite sure that it not only saved my marriage, but quite possibly his life!
It’s not necessary to wait until you are on the verge of divorce or murder to seek help. Our two mental health professionals provide just the type of support that can help this type of situation, as well as address the other stresses that infertility challenges bring. Dr. Lisa Tuttle and Jane Elisofon LCSW, both have the experience and compassion to help. You do not have to do this alone.
Thanks for reading today. Comments? Suggestions?