Its fifteen degrees below outside with the wind chill factor. It's also snowing. This all sets the stage for a very cold, frigid, blustery day outside. Not the day I want to go for the walk that my mutt is yearning for. Today's blog is all about desire. As in, my lack of desire. To go outside. My lack of desire to clean my house. My lack of desire to even get out of my pajamas.
My sister, the one who gets up at 4:30 mostly every morning, laughed at me when I spoke to her about this. Her comment? "If I waited until the desire to hit me to go out in the cold, dark morning to get to the gym, I'd sit there all day, drinking coffee."
This struck me as profound. That desire is actually not the Holy Grail. The idea of wanting to do something and only doing it because of desire is almost silly, in the real world. Even with a job you love, or a career that you feel fulfilled in, there are days where many other things feel much more inviting. It got me wondering about how to work within a framework of lack of desire.
I think part of what needs to be addressed is inertia. Definition: Inertia is the name for the tendency of an object in motion to remain in motion, or an object at rest to remain at rest, unless acted upon by a force. This concept was quantified in Newton's First Law of Motion. Makes sense. It especially makes sense that first step in a journey, including a fertility journey, being the hardest. There's the question of force acting upon an object in rest. One of my favorite all around people, someone I really admire and am lucky enough to know personally, John Bigham (long time writer for Runner's World, now moving on to Competitor- also known as the Penguin) uses the following as one of his tag lines: The miracle isn't that I finished...the miracle is that I had the courage to begin...
This is a blog about infertility treatment, fertility, and so on. So how come there's nothing in here that has mentioned treatment, diagnoses, medications, doctors? Well, here's how I tie this up.
Don't beat yourself up about struggling with that first step. Or that first step each morning. Or the next step in treatment (see, here it comes!). I once sat and counted to ten about seventy times, trying to give myself a shot in my thigh. Tiny little needle, and I had to count that many times. And you know what? How many times I counted doesn't matter, not really. Really what mattered is that I did it and I took the time that I needed to find the force to work on the inaction. It may have taken a longer time than some people would have taken, less time perhaps than others. Still, I found the courage to take the first step and that was the miracle.
What's driving your force for today? Breaking up your inertia? What's the step that it's taking to courage to find?
Mine is taking the mutt for a walk. I love a little help with that first step. Don't you?