Posted by Lisa Rosenthal on Thu, May 06, 2010 @ 10:09 AM
The elephant is in the room. It's a big, white elephant, taking up all the room, crushing the furniture and sucking the air right out of us. You know. Mother's Day. Ok, one big collective sigh. Truly, out of all the holidays, is there one that's worse? One holiday that reminds you more of what you don't have?
Blugh. It's a hybrid of blah and ugh that happened for me one day when I was typing too quickly. This is not the Sunday to go to brunch or to the spa. Unfortunately, it's also a difficult day for church, temple, the mall, movies and many other places as they pay their tributes to what you want to be and are not at t he moment. I solved the problem of mother's day by staying in. Breakfast in bed, lovingly made by my husband. Long bath with a book and a cup of tea (soft covered book as hard covers really warp badly when they are dropped accidentally in water) were often my choice followed by a walk with my dog.
Lucky for me, I have two sisters, and they were kind enough to cover with my own mother. Interesting as that brings up a difference between those of us who struggle with primary and those with secondary infertility. With primary infertility, no child at all is a huge reminder of what you don't have. Mommy is not a term that applies to you, to me, to us. The reminders of being childless are everywhere and they feel relentless at this time of year. Those of us who struggle with secondary infertility have to carry on, yes, we are lucky enough to enjoy being Mommy, to having that child to enjoy the day with. But we look around and see our family is incomplete. We hear the questions about a brother or sister for our first and so far, only child. We hear the comments about how selfish we are not to give our child a sibling. We feel that longing and we feel the guilt as well. The guilt at not thoroughly enjoying the day with the child that we have, the guilt that we feel so strongly about our second child who is not there.
How do we get through the day? I think the best we can. I think on this one day, that selfish is perfectly ok. That with or without a child, if you are struggling with infertility that we take it easy on ourselves. Someone said recently that she didn't know what that meant. Taking care of herself wasn't something she really understood. So let's help her out.... bath, walk, breakfast in bed, letting my husband help take care of me, those are my ways of taking care of myself. What are your ways of taking care of yourself?
Gardening? Watching movies and eating popcorn? Spending time with others struggling with infertility? Volunteer at a soup kitchen? Having a party for your single girlfriends who are struggling with no child and no husband?
Help us out here with your best ideas. It could really help someone else.