About Dealing with Infertility - Have a Crazy Infertile Friend?
What is your friend’s most basic, most primal fear? Why is she such a nutcase while dealing with infertility? Why does she avoid you and many of her other friends who have babies and children? Why does she withdraw and refuse invitations? Why does she seem like a different person than the friend who’s been beloved to you?
Do you have children? Yes? Ok, well, then imagine that you don’t have them. Imagine that all the moments in your day, yes even the aggravating and exhausting ones, don’t exist. Imagine that not only don’t you have your baby or babies, but imagine that you realize that you might never have them. Imagine that the moments that make your heart soften and melt don’t occur.
Wipe out all the memories. No first smiles, no first steps, no first teeth. No messy handprinted cards for mother’s or father’s day. No seeing the love on your partner’s face or your mothers or fathers when holding them. Erase all the photos and images that most likely decorate your home and office.
Picture how the last years would have felt without your children. What might you have been doing instead? Maybe exactly what your friend is doing right now? Throwing your heart, soul, money, time, energy into bringing these babies to your family?
Imagine how quiet your life would be without your children.
How do you describe your children? As the most important beings in your lives?
And still, you can’t understand how your friend could be feeling?
Are you sure you can’t?
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Infertility Support: A Valentine's Day Poem
Wishing everyone reading this love.
Reflecting that back to yourself, first, please.
Gaze in the mirror and see your truest self.
To create a family, from love.
It starts from a place of love.
The desire to offer that love to others.
To a baby.
However that baby may arrive in your life.
Whatever twists and turns happen before that baby arrives.
However long that journey may take. It will be well worth the wait.
It will be well worth the effort.
It will mean everything.
Gaze into the mirror.
See the strength and love there.
You will create your family.
Believe in that strength and love.
We see it.
We are here to help.
Happy Valentines Day to You.
We wish you love, compassion and kindness.
On your quest to create your family.
A surprise awaited me yesterday after I blogged. A response from a dear friend. A wise one, who's had incredible joy and incredible pain in his life. When I read his response, I realized that there was no way to delegate it to the comments section of the PathtoFertility blog. It expanded so beautifully, so generously on the blog yesterday. The nature of a blog, whether on infertility or not, is that sometimes it only touches upon a subject. Because of length, because of writing daily, sometimes a blog doesn't reach as deeply into a subject as it needs to, or at least as deeply as I would like it to. So when I read my friends comment, I realized how it flowed naturally to allow an in more depth understanding of more, less, generous and compassion.
Thanks to all of you for your comments. And thanks particularly to David for yesterday.
Yes, jealousy is natural. Believe me, I understand. I'm widowed, and won't get the chance to grow old together with the love of my life. This morning I was briefly stuck in it yet again when I saw another happy old couple.
But we don't have to stay stuck. When you say you can think about those who have it 'better' or 'worse', you leave out a whole range of possible reactions, including identifying with the lucky ones. Some people's first reactions are "Happy endings do happen, and if it can happen for her, it can happen for me." Other people are deeply generous and are able to be happy for others even when they're in terrible pain. They might think, "Well, I'm unhappy, but it's great that someone is happy. If everyone else was miserable that wouldn't help me a bit."
Ultimately, our lives aren't better if we're happier than those around us, or worse if we're not. There needs to be another source of meaning, another measuring stick.
Even while we are yearning there are opportunities to give all around us. I like a quote from the Dalai Lama that's going around: "If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." And, obviously, that includes compassion for ourselves.
Compassion. My word for the weekend. Explore it, share it, revel in it.
I teach yoga and have come to really love the language of yoga. The many reminders of staying in the present that are inherent in the language particularly appeal to me when it comes to thinking about our individual fertility journeys. This feels pertinent at this time of year when the urge to look back and forward is so compelling.
Warrior 2, Virabhadrasana II, in particular, speaks about this. The pose (asana) is powerful, as befits a warrior. Front leg is bent, knee going no further than ankle, thigh perhaps as much as parallel to the ground, but perhaps much less bent. Back leg active, grounded, supporting the effort in the front leg, taking pressure off of the front knee. Back foot, outer edge, firmly pressed into the ground, allowing length in the leg, groin,and pelvic area. Wide angle stance, hips open to the side. Pelvis, continuing up the torso, grounding straight down, neither leaning forward into the future,not reaching back into the past.
We add the arms, brave and true, extended at shoulder height, through to the finger tips, same arm extended with each leg. Drop the shoulders into the back so that those larger muscles can support the arms and fatigue from holding arms doesn’t occur nearly as quickly.
Dristi or gaze, out over the front finger tips. Hands are palms down, as though resting gently, finger tips lengthening purposely. Dristi is with soft eyes, letting the power be in the body, heart, spirit and especially breath.
Then we check. Is this where you are leaning forward, pushing into the future? Are you rearing back, full of desire to stay in the past? Again, we allow pelvic area, to drop straight down and find that this stabilizes the asana and allows the crown of the head to rise straight up. Length between tailbone and crown, solid base through the legs, arms positioned to show purpose.
Warrior two is a pose of strength, purpose and determination. We take this pose in a compassionate way, mindful of our hearts and breath. We ground into the present, resisting our urges of the moment to either stay behind or race forward.
Determination in Warrior poses is what you make it. You personally. All the directions are above to move physically into the pose. What occurs there evolves from your heart and spirit. Warrior 2 allows strength to build, summons up inner courage and allows you the opportunity to find your inner character.
Summon up your inner warrior. Strength and compassion. Being in the present. Treat the past respectfully and thoughtfully as you do the future and then remind yourself of the present. The present is a gift you can give yourself that may feel especially poignant during this week of ushering out the old year and welcoming in the New Year.