Posted by Lisa Rosenthal on Thu, Mar 18, 2010 @ 03:02 PM
Infertility effects everyone. Beyond you and your partner, there are a whole group of people who are hoping along with you for that child. If you think I'm exaggerating, ask a parent who is waiting to graduate to being a Grandparent. Or a Grandparent who thinks they might not ever hear that name, have the privilages of spoiling your offspring. While creating your family is eluding you, while infertility is preventing you from becoming a parent, infertility is also doing the same for your friends and family members.
Aunts and Uncles are waiting, cousins, Grandparents certainly, Godparents and more, they are also waiting. They are the invisible "victims" of infertility. And we all know there are more. There's your best friend who would love to be pregnant with you, raise children together, share babysitters. There's the group of your friends who have dinner on a regular basis who chat about their children or start bringing them or even just want to compare pregnancy notes.
It's you who is hit hardest with the pain of infertility, no question about it. You, your partner if you have one, bear the brunt of the pain of trying unsuccessfully to conceive. Of not knowing if you will ever be successful. Of not knowing how long it will take, how many IUI cycles, how many IVF cycles, how much infertility treatment will cost, whether donor egg is in your future, how far, how much more you will have to go and do to have your baby.
It could be comforting to know that there is an invisible, perhaps barely audible group of people waiting with you. Maybe you don't feel their presence at all, maybe you chose not to speak with them about what you are going through, maybe they have even made insensitive remarks that have made your situation more uncomfortable. Even if those things are true, they are still there. I remember while in treatment, I asked my sisters not to ask me about IVF cycle outcomes. Yet, I still knew they were there, waiting for the possibility of neices or nephews. Knowing that there was something at stake for them as well, my having or not having a child.
It could be comforting, it could feel like pressure. Again, either way, you are not alone in this. Speaking to other men and women who are in the throes of infertility, in a professionally led support group, is one place to feel that others understand. Support groups, as well as couple counseling provide wonderful opportunities for connection and empathy. If you have never tried one, I suggest that you allow yourself to be open to trying it.
In terms of feeling alone, a support group is only one of the places to feel understood or supported. For most of us, we don't have to look any farther than our families and friends, to find people that also feel strongly about our having children.
If you have chosen not to share your infertility experiences with those that love you, whether from fear that they won't understand or feeling that unless one has gone through infertility, they don't truly understand, I ask you to think about this. Empathy is "identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings and motives".
What it comes down to, in some senses, is this. Pain is pain. While another person will never understand your particular version of pain, or joy for that matter, we can all identify with what it feels to be in pain.
Those people who are standing and waiting with you, silent or not, invisible or not, care. At the very least, know that you are not alone. Just as you are waiting to become a parent, there are others waiting with you, to become a Grandparent, an Aunt, Uncle or cousin.
We are here as well, to listen, to hear, to help.